I just feel like isolating and fading to nothing.

Taught my daughter how to fly my broom.

Spent some time with my favorite brother- in- law Marvin, my daughter Boo and her friend John. Yes, I have a green thumb and those are my plants and trees in the back ground.

It was strange to see my baby drink a glass of wine in front of me, but she’s 23 and not a baby anymore.

This was actually funny, Bruce’s sister Pat uses fly paper in her kitchen. She had it hanging from her light fixture and Boo’s hair got stuck in it.

This was Boo’s last night here. John was her boyfriend when she was 16 and they still are friends. This was taken in front of my house.

I had a very busy week and I enjoyed seeing my baby girl. When she left yesterday I felt a great sadness and loss. I haven’t stopped crying. I can feel this depression coming on. I talked to my sister Lee and when she asked about Boo I couldn’t talk about it without crying. I miss my kids so much it hurts. I am going home and have 6 boxes packed. May 07 I AM MOVING BACK HOME TO MINNESOTA!

This summer sucked from all the sickness, surgeries and now one more surgery. I am going in the hospital on Tuesday for another surgery to remove the tennis ball size lump under my arm caused by the surgery to remove the original lump. This lump is a huge solid blood clot. I’m sick of doctors and I’m sick of being sick. I want my fucking life back. I want to go back to work.

The rent is due tomorrow and we are a $100.00 short. We are down to one car because the other one died for good. We are getting behind in everything. I told Bruce today it’s the hard times that keeps people together…they are too fucking broke to leave! My son is sending me a couple of hundred dollars, Creator bless him and his wife. Hopefully I can get my ass back to work by the end of next week. I am keeping my fingers crossed.

I am going home in May, so I got that going for me.

Added on this morning at 8:27 AM, Oct. 1, 2006

I woke up to rainy cold weather and smiled. I love this kind of weather. It keeps me cool when hot flashes attack. It makes my hair look like Stevie Nicks hair or witchy big hair.

Menopause has hit me hard and furious these past two weeks and my hormones are running wild and free and making me a little crazy and emotional. My GYN doc wants to put me on low doses of effexafuck or Lexie, she says it helps with the hot flashes. I told her I’m already taking a low (25 mg) of anti depression med to help me sleep at night so I really didn’t feel like it. She said if I want a natural remedy, black cohash was the best.

Willie Nelson made a statement to the press saying “he was lucky he had a bag of pot, if it had been a bag of spinach he would be dead.” I found this totally funny. Willie ROCKS!

Went to the used book store with BooBoo and John, and John bought me a book written by Willie with all his poetry. Some of it he had to be high when he wrote it because the verses were funny. Like this one where she’s the string connected to the wrong yoyo, meaning him. Good ole Willie.

Bruce is still sleeping and I’m thinking about waking him up to make coffee. He makes the best coffee & breakfastest (is that a word?) in the world. We are going to clean out some closets today and throw some stuff out to start getting ready to move this spring.

Have a great and glorious day everyone.

Shannon sent these new pictures of Taryn in e-mail. We went to visit her yesterday and she is doing beautifully. Her head is perfectly shaped just like Bruce’s only she has hair.

I love this one of baby and daddy. Absolutely Beautiful! I can see Bruce and Shannon’s chin here, strong chin, strong character, beautiful button nose.

The Seed

The greatest dreams on Earth

I trust to you my child.

You are the seed of humankind

the hope, the future of the world.

~Tran Duc Uyen~

She’s all smiles. Shannon is Bruce’s only daughter from his marriage to Sharon his first wife. Shannon was also born C-section. She’s a very special daughter and her dad and her share the same warped sense of humor. They have a unique talent for memorizing every line from stupid movies, Space Balls is one of their favorites and they were doing it yesterday while she was in labor, having some pretty strong contractions. Shannon was a champ. She took no pain medicine because she knew if she did it would also have an effect on her baby.

Mom, Dad and baby Taryn.

Grandpa Bruce’s first time holding his first baby grand daughter.

This is Bruce’s mom, great grandma holding Taryn.

Ken’s Mom and Taryn

Ken’s Dad, big Ken and Taryn.

Me and my sweet baby grand daughter.

I won’t be on for a few days, maybe a week. I’m going in tomorrow morning, same hospital as Shannon and having surgery. I’ll see you all when I get back. My love and thanks goes out to all my friends out there. Take care and Creator Bless you abundantly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pictures from todays visit to the hospital.

My favorite son, my only son Travis and his beautiful wife Trina. This was taken at Travis friend, Jeff’s wedding. They have been friends since grade school. Travis gets his red hair from his grandma who was a tiny bit Irish. I always teased him about going to live on the Fond Du Lac Indian Reservation. He would say “Mom, look at me they would hate me, a red headed Indian.”

This is a picture of all the grooms men. Trav looks so handsome and happy!

This is Andy and Travis. They are BEST friends. Andy lived across the road and alley from us and these two were always together. They are the best!

I was supposed to work today 3-11pm…they cancelled me. Yippie now I can stay home and blog and catch up on some blogs.

Bruce and I fed some baby ducks today and it was truly a blessing. They were orphaned. No mom or pop anywhere to be seen. I was cutting up an organic apple for them and they were quacking and walking on my feet to get some apple. After the apple I gave them some corn and granola. They were starving. If they had a mom she would not of allowed them to get so close. Now I feel like I need to go feed them daily. It’s good that they are staying together. The one time I didn’t bring my camera, shit.

My nephew Tom got his phone put in today so now I can call him at home. You remember Tom? He was the angel at the foot of my hospital bed. We’ve been hanging out on our days off. Here’s a picture I took of him from the last time. he got the hat when he was in Australia. He’s a world class travler and all around good guy. He has a sense of humor that will make you pee your pants and he’s single. He’s looking for love in all the wrong places, so I felt the need to give him a plug. He’s going to kill me. ~

This is John. He was my daughter Boo’s boyfriend. They met when she was sixteen and he was seventeen. She’s now 23 and he’s 24. This was taken last weekend when he visited me. I love John, and a visit from him was almost as good as a visit with my own kids. He came to see me in the hospital and he calls me almost every day to see how I am. Last weekend when he came I spent a few hours putting his hair in dread locks. Boo is coming to visit from Minnesota on the 22nd of Sept. Maybe I can get them back together. He is such a cutie. I know, I will stay out of it, but I can hope. He is stable, he has a job, he is going to school. Plus he likes me.

That’s it for today. Have a great and peaceful labor day, except you Shannon. Go into LABOR!

This is Mr. Bruce and our favorite son-in-law Ken. Ken has a rare tongue disorder, he can’t keep it in his mouth. jk He’s going to be the new daddy.

My bike is the blue one. Bruce’s is borrowed from our favorite son-in-law, Ken. We drove to a really nice bike trail yesterday and we rode for at least 7 miles. Bruce said it was more like 5, it felt like 20.

The day before we went for a walk and walked over a mile. These may be baby steps to a lot of people but for me and Bruce they are huge steps after what we’ve been through. Bruce’s new knee is working awesome. He has done so freaking fantastic and I am very proud of him.

My sister Lee said that I was very blessed to have a husband that is willing to go walking and biking with me, I said yes I am, and he is very blessed to have a wife that will go fishing and camping and to the Friday night races with him. We are a perfect match.

Today he made me breakfast and did the dishes while I blogged. I am feeling emotionally blessed to have him in my life. He is the best.

Shannon hasn’t had her baby yet. She was hoping for the end of August so she could beat the school sign up date of Sept. 1. Taryn, baby girl’s name, will come when she’s ready. I told Bruce she must take after him, bull headed and Shannon said she takes after Ken because she’s annoying her by not coming out in August. Whenever she decides to come it will be a very happy event and Bruce and I are very excited to meet this granddaughter.

After my surgery, I will be out of work for 2 months, so maybe I will get to baby sit.

So I have that going for me too!

Thanks for all your prayers and happy thoughts. It meant the world to me and my family.

Sorry for any miss spelled words, I was in a super hurry. And ya’ll know my spelling sucks.

She has a special star that I wished on, sewed into her. It matches the star on her left paw. So I have that going for me too.

Bruce is telling me it is time to go, my stomach just fell out.

Hopefully I will be back with great news, keep your fingers crossed.

Tales wagging over reports of “mystery beast” in Maine

Full story:

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/nationworld/2003209963_dog19.html

By The Associated PressTURNER, Maine — Whether tests prove that a “mystery beast” is a dog or something else, the story that has captured headlines from coast to coast won’t go away any time soon, according to an expert in human behavior.The (Lewiston, Maine) Sun Journal newspaper obtained samples of the creature and shipped them to a University of Maine professor and to HealthGene in Toronto for genetic tests to determine the type of animal, said Judith Meyer, managing editor.

But the test results may not matter because people tend to be enthralled with the idea of something that defies categorization.”Having scientific evidence is not going to kill this story. It’s like an unslayable monster that will keep coming back,” predicted Elizabeth Eames, chair of the anthropology department at Bates College.

The newspaper reported Wednesday about the creature that was hit by a car while chasing a cat. The story quickly began making the rounds on the Internet.The beast created interest well beyond a typical news story, and the newspaper’s Web server strained and cracked under the pressure. The server continued to crash Friday as people around the world tried to read about Turner’s version of Bigfoot.

Michelle O’Donnell of Turner saw the animal near her yard about a week before it was killed. She called it a “hybrid mutant of something.”"It was evil, evil-looking. And it had a horrible stench I will never forget,” she told the newspaper. “We locked eyes for a few seconds and then it took off. I’ve lived in Maine my whole life, and I’ve never seen anything like it.

“For the past 15 years, residents across Androscoggin County have reported seeing and hearing a mysterious animal with chilling monstrous cries and eyes that glow. The animal has been blamed for attacking and killing a Doberman pinscher and a Rottweiler the past couple of years.

People from Litchfield, Sabattus, Greene, Turner, Lewiston and Auburn have come forward to speak of a mystery monster that roams the woods. Nobody knows for sure what it is, and theories have ranged from a hyena or dingo to a fisher or coydog — an offspring of a coyote and a wild dog.

People began asking if the mystery beast and the animal killed over the weekend were one and the same.Mike O’Donnell, who is married to Michelle O’Donnell, said the animal looked “half-rodent, half-dog” to him.It was charcoal gray, weighed between 40 and 50 pounds, and had a bushy tail, a short snout, short ears and curled fangs hanging over its lips, he said. It looked like “something out of a Stephen King story.

“Loren Coleman, a Portland author and cryptozoologist, examined the creature’s remnants Wednesday and concluded it was likely a feral dog. Scott Lindway, a state wildlife biologist, agreed with that assessment after looking at the photos.

I asked my sister Lee if she still wanted to go walking on the wilderness trails here? She was a little afraid.

It’s five am
gentle snores
keep me company
while I sip
my morning tea.

Lee, Shirley & Bruce
all snoring
at different levels.

I feel nothing
but love
as I listen
to their sleepy melody.

Zoe sits by my tea cup
her big green eyes
looking into mine
saying “meow, I can’t sleep.”

I pet her and she sings
along purrrrrrrrfectly.

beautiful morning song.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rocky was right eventually. As of this fine morning I am down almost twenty-five pounds. I wouldn’t recommend the diet to anyone. I still have no appetite and am having at least 4 to 5 BM’s a day. Still taking the antibiotics they use to kill this nasty little virus, have two more weeks worth. But other then that and a small worry about Monday’s biopsy I’m feeling on top of the world.

Went to work for the first time Sunday night. It proved too much and I had to cancel myself last night. Going in tonight though. Every other day is good. Still weak and fatigued. My sisters & Bruce are doing all the home-making stuff and taking the best care of me. I am so blessed and humbled by them. Unconditional love is what they have for me. It fills my heart and soul.

I feel damn blessed that I live in a country where I can tell the world how many BM’s I have in a day and so I got that going for me too!

I tanned the hide and gave it to my best friend and I made some very nice jewelry out of the claws.

Here’s a picture of me and my sisters, from left to right as you look at your screen, Leola, Fern, Lena and me. I love this picture!

Dear Ricki:

I miss you everyday of my life. I am getting better at not crying so much anymore because I am tired of grieving. I know that is what you would want for your dear old mom not to cry but to be happy. But you must understand you were part of that happiness and now you are gone but it’s getting better.

Aunty Lee and Aunty Shirley are here with me today and we are getting on our bikes and going for a bike ride. The two of them keep me pretty busy so there is no time to dwell on sadness or sickness.

I thought I might go in your trunk today but I won’t have time. Your cousin Tom is here to from Oregon. Remember how crazy he was? He teased you so much about your cat fetish. He’s still the same but appeared to me as an angel at the end of my hospital bed last week. It was so good to see him, it’s been since 1993 when grandma LeMay died. He’s still crazy and makes me laugh so hard I pee my pants.

Yesterday him and Aunty Lee got on the bikes and went for a little ride. I took this picture of them. Funny hu?

I have to go. I will always carry you in my heart and soul and whenever I see wild daisies on my bike ride I will smile because I know you are there.

Love Mom

This is my niece Angie and her son, my great nephew Kurt. Beautiful.
This is my great nephew Forest and his mom Angie, Lee’s oldest daughter. She’s an RN and takes very good care of Forest.
My niece dawn and her dog Red. This is Lee’s daughter.
My great niece, Chole’.
My sister Lena and her dog Princess and my sister Leola before she was a red head.
My sister Lee, aint she beautiful!
This is my sisters dog Princess, too cute!

This is my nieces dog Red, aint he the cutest dog!

I got on the exercise bike and I could only do 6 minutes in my present physical state. I guess what is bothering me is the fact Mr. Bruce is getting stronger and he walks so much better and he is doing so good and then there’s me and he will go on and on and maybe without me and that scares me. I’m still on the dark side a little bit. I am trying to stay positive but it’s really hard when none of your clothes fit and you just keep shitting and running fevers. This is the worst fucking case of Clostridium Difficile ever!

Enough whining. My chubby little fingers hurt. They are swollen to the size of polish sausages and who doesn’t like polish sausage? hehehehehe

oxoxoxoxoxoxo to all my fellow bloggers, peace and love.

My primary care doctor stood by my hospital bed and he had his hands folded and the man was crying and he said to me. ” I am truly sorry for what I have put you through. I am thoroughly disgusted by what Dr. Alexander has put you through and I am asking you if you would please let him come see what he has done?” I had four IV’s going, oxygen, I look up and I say sure why not?

The next day Dr. Alexander shows up and won’t even look me in the eyes, that’s when I lose it and I start to cry. What do you want Alexander to finish me off?

He leaves.

I was discharged today because my medical team could not decide what to do. Half my team thought I should stay in the hospital, that I was still way too sick to go home. Not to mention how contagious this stuff is. I was supposed to have a biopsy tomorrow, I couldn’t have it while still in the hospital, that is why other half of team wanted me discharged. Well another fuck up, they discharged me and then the appointment was cancelled.

My three sisters are driving out. They left yesterday. Hey medical team hope you’re eating your Wheaties because some Minnestoa corn fed women are coming out and they ain’t taking names.

My fever and chills call for me to close. I love you guys. Thanks for all the good thoughts and prayers. Tomorrow is RJ’s 32 birthday.

Happy Birthday Ricki and I want you to know thoughts of what you went through and the strength you showed got me through this tuff time. Thanks for honoring me with such powerful knowledge, this too shall pass.

Clostridium difficile: An acute inflammation of the INTESTINAL MUCOSA that is characterized by the presence of pseudomembranes or plaques in the SMALL INTESTINE (pseudomembranous enteritis) and the LARGE INTESTINE (pseudomembranous colitis). It is commonly associated with antibiotic therapy and CLOSTRIDIUM DIFFICILE colonization.

Clostridium difficile : causes antibiotic\-induced diarrhea or pseudomembranous colitis in humans; found in the colonic flora in 3% of healthy adults. Mine was caused from this form of antibiotic.

History: C difficile colonization results in a wide spectrum of clinical conditions, including an asymptomatic carrier state, mild self-limited diarrhea, pseudomembranous colitis, and fulminant colitis.
Most patients develop diarrhea during or shortly after starting antibiotics. However, 25-40% of patients may not become symptomatic for as many as 10 weeks after completing antibiotic therapy.
Symptoms often include the following:
Mild-to-moderate watery diarrhea that is rarely bloody
Cramping abdominal pain
Anorexia
Malaise
Fever, especially in more severe cases (me, severly dehydrated, fever 104)
Physical:
Physical examination may reveal the following:
Fever
Dehydration
Lower abdominal tenderness (Fuck that, it was like being in labor and not being able to deliver , just one constant cramp)
Rebound tenderness – Raises the possibility of colonic perforation and peritonitis

(You don’t want to know how they test for this.)

Causes: C difficile colitis results from a disruption of the normal bacterial flora of the colon, colonization with C difficile, and release of toxins that cause mucosal inflammation and damage.
The chief risk factor for the disease is prior exposure to antibiotics.
The most common antibiotics implicated in C difficile colitis include cephalosporins (especially second and third generation), ampicillin/amoxicillin, and clindamycin.
Less commonly implicated antibiotics are the macrolides (ie, erythromycin, clarithromycin, azithromycin) and other penicillins.
Agents occasionally reported to cause the disease include aminoglycosides, fluoroquinolones, trimethoprim-sulfamethoxazole, metronidazole, chloramphenicol, tetracycline, imipenem, and meropenem.
Even brief exposure to any single antibiotic can cause C difficile colitis.
A prolonged antibiotic course or the use of 2 or more antibiotics increases the risk of disease.
Even antibiotics traditionally used to treat C difficile colitis have been shown to cause disease.
Other risk factors include the following:
Advanced age (>60 y)
Hospitalization (particularly sharing a hospital room with an infected patient, intensive care unit stays, and prolonged hospital stays)

Here is what I know so far – this is passed on to me through Bruce and Trav – so I’m just telling you all that I know as of right now:

Nancy was admitted to the Hospital on Tuesday because she had a severe case of Colitis from the antibiotics she was taking from the other Doctors she was seeing. She was dehydrated and in a lot of pain from the cramping.

She is still in the hospital and says she misses everyone and hopes they don’t forget about her. As soon as she stops “shitting her heart out” she’ll be home and blogging her heart out instead.

She feels like crap – no pun intended – and very weak – but her doctor is encouraging her to keep on truckin’ because she IS getting better.

So that’s good.

Hope you all have a great weekend – and I will post more on her status as soon as I know more.

on another note – I will try to post on my own blog as well this weekend – I know I’m behind – don’t stop reading me!!!!!!

BYE!!!

I called my primary care doctor this morning he wanted me to call him at the end of the week to let him know how I was doing. I told him. He now wants me to pick up a poop kit before work and do it over the weekend and hand it in Monday. I asked him “Do you always get what you want?” I told him to get through work last night I had to take a box of Imodium. The shits have stopped but the cramping is still with me. I also told him I think it’s the fucking antibiotics that I’ve been taking for the last six weeks daily that is causing me the shits.

My blood sugars have gone in the extreme reverse of being low, as low as 55. So that kink is still not worked out. I got up to get Bruce something and I sat right back down and told Mr. Bruce I had never felt like that in my life, it felt like I was going to fall off the edge of the world. Mr. Bruce’s first wife was diabetic so he knew what to do. He tested me and I came up with a 55. Too low. He made me eat a jar of apple jelly. Yuck. But it worked. I did this another time at the grocery store when I was by myself. So now he (Mr. Bruce) says I need to get a bracelet announcing my illness so if I pass out they (whoever) is around at the time will know why.

I’m calling out of work today due to illness. I just can’t work and do everything else I’m supposed to do I’m exhausted. I can’t do it. I just can’t do it.

Bruce called his insurance and they said they mailed out a check on Wed. Finally. Thank the universe and all the people praying for us. I am truly humbled today to my knees.

This is the same thing that happened to my sister in-law Candy and my mother in-law. Both their mammograms showed nothing at all, but the ultra sounds and MIR’s showed differently. I wrote about Candy a while back. She’s still doing great and my mother in-law had a lumpectomy is still crabby and bossy so she’s good. So what I am telling you is this…If you have cancer in your family and your mammograms come up clean, maybe you should dig deeper with another test especially if you have symptoms of great fatigue and just not feeling well. Listen to your body.

I have an appointment with my surgeon on Thursday. He is then going to send me to Hartford for the PET scan. This is the newest technology. It can determine if your spots are cancer or benign by heat. Then we will go from there.

Bruce wants to take some naughty pictures of my boobs I think it’s all the pain drugs he’s on. Second thought it may not be such a bad idea. Pictures of the puppies incase they have to go. A nice glossy 8″ by 10″ above the mantle. hehehehehehe

No reason for the picture I just like it.

I’m relieved that tomorrow I will finally have an answer.

Got to run and get a nap in before work tonight.

XOXOXOX OXOX

Mr. Bruce is home and taking care of him is good for me. I haven’t even thought about my issues since I picked him up yesterday. Everyone but him and me wanted him to go to an old folks home for rehab. Their thinking is when I have my surgery and I come home who is going to take care of us? I told Mr. Bruce you only go to an old folks home to die and he was coming home and he agreed with me in spite of the neigh sayers.

So far so good. He is sore but is doing remarkably well in moving around. He goes to bathroom without help and he can sit at the kitchen table for meals. He’s doing freaking great.

I snapped this picture of him after I covered him with the Indian blanket I made for him for Christmas. Then I put some Native flute music on and burned some sage. He fell a sleep like a baby. Sage is good for headaches.

His back skin care was not the greatest in the hospital and his skin is starting to break down from being on his back so much but don’t you worry this medicine woman knows a few things about skin care and I will have him back to as good as new in a few days.

I only have a few day before it’s my turn. Then my sisters will be here and they all know how to give wonderful care. Things look so much better with Mr. Bruce here.

Mr. Bruce eating lunch of stuffed pork chops and veggies. I even cut up his meat for him.

Once again thank you for staying with me on my roller coaster ride. You are the greatest!

Travis, I love you son and yes I’m OK. I will call you this weekend.

I’m going for some ex-rays this afternoon and then the big MRI scan tomorrow morning. This has just started and I’m already tired of going to Doctors. JackiSue is going to make sure I have the right attitude to fight this so I got that going for me to.

Before I start any art project I always smudge with sage and offer prayers up for creativity. I always offer tobacco for thanks to the four sacred directions.

I often make prayer ties which include tobacco. As I make each one I put a prayer into it and I tether them all on the same piece of sinew. I then have a sacred ceremony and I offer fruit, water, meat and vegetable to the spirits. The offerings have to be the best cut of meat and fruit and vegetable. You pray and smudge with sage. Then I burn the prayer ties and offer up all the prayers inside for Creator to do as he see fits and I offer thanks with the meat, fruit and so on. Sage opens the door to the spirit world. I invite my grandfathers and my grandmothers to come and take part in our prayers. I do this with a very good, humble heart.

When I see pictures like the ones below I have no doubt there is a Creator who is the greatest artist in the world.

I will be making a chain of prayer ties, if you would like any prayer ties made for you with a prayer, just e-mail me and I will be happy to make a prayer tie for you. They will be in a ceremony described above.

May Creator Bless you & keep you and yours.

Love Nancy & Bruce

I poached this from Pat’s blog because I liked it. I love Dragons and have painted a few. I like the word crunchy it’s a fun word, crunchy. The guy to the left looks like he could make a whole lotta french fries.

Bruce had his arm around me yesterday and he said ” I can’t lose you, (believe me, I’m too big to lose) God wouldn’t do this to me twice.” (JackieSue it’s just a word God, ) Bruce’s first wife died from complications to heart surgery brought on by diabetes. It was a very touching moment and I could see the pain in his big brown eyes. No Bruce, I aint going no where. When I have my surgery to remove the lymph nodes and they do the biopsy, if it is cancer, I will fight the fight and I will survive. I saw the doctor yesterday and I asked him what are the odds of this being cancer? My odds don’t look to good. But, there is always a loop hole to let the light in. Remember a few months back my daughter Amy found a lump in her breast, her odds weren’t great either (family history is what the doc’s look at) And hers was benign. The Great Mystery would not dare take another of my children because there would be hell to pay.

So this weekend I will be missing in action. Spending every moment with the best, handsomest, funniest, brown eyed man. He’s going to dress up like Johhny Depp in the movie pirates and I’m going to have my way with him. Come on people use your imaginations and have a great and wonderful weekend.

My horoscope for today…

Your actions, if fueled by the right priorities, will make positive changes happen.

So I have that going for me to!

Dear Dean:

I have always wondered where you were? When I read your post my thoughts were…Finally, the man speaks up and he does so in an honorable way. After reading your post I want to stand up and give you a standing ovation. You said it without swearing or threatening and it came across honorably. Thank you. I think Pat has been misunderstood because you my dear were never in the picture. You were like the invisible man. Thank you for finally clearing up so many things. I can see from your post why Pat married you. You have a good guy there lady and you better hang on to him.

I appreciate your honesty and that you have finally come forward. I understand now, but when we meet I may need to slap you for waiting for so long.

For those of you who are lost in all this, yesterday post was about this. The response to yesterday’s post was written below by Pat’s husband Dean. I wanted to reply but she (Pat) like me (Nancy) turned off her comment section not wanting to get into a shouting match through the blog world.

My health is getting worse. I see the doctor today at 1:00. My lump has grown. This morning I sat in bed and cried. I got over that moment. I’m sure through this illness I will have many moments. I need to pace myself.

Yesterday was my last post on this sore subject. I have to concentrate on my health. No spare energy for this. So this will be my last post on this subject. Below is Dean’s post.

We, Bruce and I, are sending John’s family our love and our prayers. Ya’ll remember John, he’s Bruce’s best friend. And Pat you can tell John for me when he’s better, I’m gonna slap him to. Men, shishhh.

PS When I copied and pasted his post the editor thingggy shows all the ‘s funny looking. Sorry.

And when Dean says Autumn, he’s meaning Pat not me. Both of us have Autumn in our Blog name so it could get confusing.

It’s getting better than Jerry Spinger. Watch out for flying chairs!

6th July 2006
This is Autumn’s husband and I am writing an open letter to her readers. She will not be posting tonight because I have sent her to bed because of all the stress she has been under. I’m sure some of you may have wondered what the last few posts have been about. Here’s the deal. As you know, John suffered a heart attack and had triple bypass surgery. Now, mind you, in my eyes, this is the same guy that who has wanted me to drop dead ever since I first came in to Autumn’s life. Despite that I wish him well. John has helped Autumn and I a lot recently and if I could ever return any of the favors, I would. That’s in part why I am writing now.

For some time now there has been bad blood between Autumn and Estelle (see RANTS for details). The latest one concerns Estelle’s relationship status with John. During a recent phone conversation between Autumn and Estelle, Autumn spelled out the cold, hard facts. Estelle just couldn’t accept that she is only John’s friend, and he has never said that she is anything more. The two of them bickered back and forth for over and hour until I took the phone from Autumn and I found myself listening to Estelle go on and on. She admitted that she was drunk. As I listened, I thought to myself, “She just doesn’t get it.”. I didn’t tell her that, I just listened, and tried several times to hang up without being rude. That’s just my nature. But, enough is enough.

John has said for years that Estelle is a friend. That’s it. FRIEND, not girlfriend, companion, lover, significant other, or ANYTHING ELSE. If he wanted her to be anything more, certainly she would have been by now.

I know that Autumn has been struggling with her emotions about John for years, and John has come right out and said he is waiting for me to die so he can reclaim her. It’s sad and ironic that HE has a heart attack. I am not going to give up my love for Autumn and watch John reclaim her. Somehow, over the course of time, everything will work itself out the way it’s supposed to.

I’m sorry that John has suffered the heart attack. I will do what I can, if he would allow me to, to help in his recovery if he asks. Even though we have our differences, we both agree that we love Autumn.

I am angry that Estelle has had the nerve to upset John, his children, and MY WIFE. Autumn has been so upset that I am fearful for her own health. Her blood pressure is sky high through all of this, and she’s either raging in anger or collapsing in my arms in tears because of the stress that Estelle has caused with her assumption that she is more to John than we have been told she is. A friend would let family come first in tragic times like this. Instead, she has let the hospital staff ASSUME that she should be at John’s bedside at all times. She has actually spent more time with John that his own children have, because she hogged up all the visiting hours.

After several blowups with family members, and subsequent calls to the local police, I understand Estelle has finally gone home, where John has asked her to stay until he tells her otherwise. John’s kids went to see him tonight and reported back that he was confused about all the drama because he told them that Estelle is JUST A FRIEND. Even though his blood pressure took a dangerous dip due to the stress that Estelle gave John when she reported all of the problems she had with Autumn to him while he was still in the ICU, he seems to be better now. Estelle had already been warned not to confront John about their relationship or the one he has with Autumn or anyone else, but Estelle just didn’t listen, even going so far as to have a comfrontation with Autumn about the problems in front of John. Autumn chose not to see John tonight not knowing if Estelle would be there. She knew it would be harmful to John to see Autumn and Estelle continue to confront each other. And I can guarantee that would have happened.

It may seem to you that it may become a no-win situation. The bottom line is this, I may not like it one bit, but if I can accept that my wife and John, who have been in each other’s lives for 32 years, and have children and even grandchildren together, do still have some kind of love for each other, then I just don’t understand why Estelle, or anyone else should feel like they have the right to come in and demand that John and Autumn’s relationship should have to change or end. To force someone’s hand like that on what could have been a death bed is flat out deplorable!

Autumn has been accused more than one time of being “the bad guy” in all of this. I agree she has a temper at times, but I also know she hasn’t started the battle with Estelle every time, but I do know she will finish it.

I trust that Autumn’s readers will continue to keep John in their thoughts and prayers. I turned off the coments because I feel Autumn doesn’t need to hear any more about this from anyone else who might think they have a better insight to someone else’s business but their own. Autumn will return after she has had a chance to relax.

I want you to check out this blog my friends. It is a truly inspiring blog with beautiful photos. It shows me the world through younger eyes. Eyes that haven’t been beatin’ down yet with everyday living. Fresh eyes and hope for a better tomorrow. http://fillian.wordpress.com/ You will not be disappointed.

It’s also on my side bar as ‘The Classics’

This is just one of his, hers (don’t know boy or girl) photos, it is inspiring me to paint it in water colors.

Bruce and I went fishing today. We drove by this cow field and this one cow and I connected in a big way. She posed for this picture and we had a meeting of the minds. She’s the most beautiful cow I’ve ever seen. I can’t explain how I feel about this cow, the way she looked at me and the way she responded to me it was surreal. I’m never eating beef again, ever.

The sacred heart of Jesus.

Dear Jesus:

You’re father is putting me through some trying times, why? I was a good little catholic girl. I was a virgin when I got married. I fasted three hours before communion, I didn’t eat meat on Fridays and I always gave up candy during lent. So why is he giving me diabetes? Why is he making me sick? What sins am I paying for? For being human the way he designed me? He made me in his image. Is he sick? I promise to be good. I promise. I promise to say 10 Hail Marys and 14 Our Fathers.

Oh yah, Satan is the one responsible for all the pain and suffering in the world. You gave him control until you come back and kick his ass in Armageddon, it’s all there in Revelations. Sorry I forgot my Catholic teachings.

Thanks,

A Child of Gods

PS. Do you think it was a good idea leaving Satan in charge?

This is my sense of humor with a little added sarcasms , Jesus is my brother.

A strong statement in a doodle. The headstone has St. Peters on it with blood. The clock is backwards, if I could turn back time. The word in the far right hand corner is lies. And the statement was “Brute force no matter how applied can never subdue the basic human desire for freedom and dignity.”

I was fighting for that statement. I wanted her to have her wish to die with dignity. It was the hardest battle I ever had to fight for. I had to go before two psychiatrists and a judge to plea my case. It was not easy and I broke down infront of these three professional men. I broke down and cried. Once the flood gates open there was no closing them. I thought I blew it. I showed weakness. I was told before hand by Ricki’s lawyer not to show emotion. I can’t help who I am. I show emotion.

A week later the social worker from St. Peters came and he brought her release papers. Ricki was so happy when she saw she was released from St. Peters, and she could stay right where she was.

A nurse came in and asked if she could shake my hand. I was puzzled and asked what for? She said I admire you and the lengths you went for your daughter, we took bets that you would lose but you fought and you won. You took bets? She laughed, yup, all the staff on the hospice unit were taking bets. I found this to be funny, even Ricki’s doctor took the bet and he bet for me to win.

I heard a song on the radio by Gary Allen yesterday that says exactly how I feel right now in this moment…

I Just Got Back From Hell

I just got back from Hell
And I’m standing here alive
I know it’s really hard to tell
Don’t know how I survived
But I can’t say that I’m doin’ great
But I think I’m doin’ well
That Devil’s gonna have to wait
‘Cause I just got back from Hell

Well, I just got back from Hell
And I guess to tell the truth
Well, I’ve been mad at everyone, including God and you
When you can’t find no one to blame you just blame yourself
And I know I’ll never be the same
I just got back from Hell

Forgive me if I had any part
If I ever broke your heart in two
Forgive me for what I didn’t know
For what I didn’t say or do
And, God, forgive me as well
‘Cause I just got back from Hell

Well, I just got back from Hell
And I need to make some plans
It’s the last thing that I wanna do
But I’ll do the best I can
I’m gonna learn to live again
But I think I’ll sit a spell
Tell the world that I’m alive
And I just got back from Hell

I can’t say that I’m doin’ great
But I think I’m gettn’ well
Gonna let the world know I’m alive
And I just got back from Hell
And I just got back from Hell
I just got back from Hell
Got back from Hell

I am feeling better then I have in a long, long time emotionally. I was so focused on Ricki that I forgot my other daughters and son. My mother had twelve children and I asked her one day, “Mom do you love your kids all the same or can you love some more then others?” She answered me, ” You love the one that is down on his luck and who needs you the most at that moment, but otherwise you love them all the same.”

Time to move on. Time to take care of me and to enjoy my other children.

Now lets all say it together for me…

Rain, rain go away,
Come again another day,
Amen!

Worked just called and I am going in at three pm and I am working until three am and I have a doctor appointment at 10:45 am tomorrow so I may be missing in action for a day or two. Take care and be good to yourself.

The news just came on and the first case of west nile virus was just reported in Springfield MA. Great just great. Now I will have to cover myself in killer bug spray to go fishing. Damn.

I found a two bedroom house for rent with land for $500.00 a month in the West Texas news paper what a deal. Houses up here start at $1000.00 a month.

So I may have that going for me.

I talked to my two lovely, beautiful & talented daughters last night, Amy and the Boo (AKA: Nancie). They called me to see how I am and they are both real hippie daughters from their mother. They don’t own a computer so they are headed to the local library today to check out Mom’s blog. So I thought I would surprise them and do the blog today about them. I am so proud of my two girls. They are so bright and smart. Hey I am their Mom, I have a right to brag.

Amy Marie was born July 9 th and she will be 30 years old this year. People say that she and I look a like. Lucky me because I think she is beautiful. She is a manager of a local clothing outlet and she hired Boo to be her assistant manager. Smart girl. Now she works her own hours and her sister works the hours her older sister says.

Nancie was born Feb.2 and she is a true Auqarian. She will be 24 on her next birthday.
She was deathly afraid of Santa Clause and always very loudly refused to sit on his lap for a picture. But note the big Raggedy Andy doll didn’t scare her at all. She is an artist of the highest quality, her art work makes you go awwwwww. I tried to buy one of her paintings from her. I offered her $150.00 for it but she turned me down.

They don’t watch TV. They do all their shopping at the whole food store. And if I told you they make all their own clothes from hemp it would be a lie.

When I get back to Minnesota we are going camping and fishing together. They love the great outdoors.

I promised them last night that I would take better care of myself and get into shape so we can go hiking and all kinds of out doors stuff, hell, I might even take up snow boarding. Their phone call gave me the umpth I needed to get started so first thing this morning I am off to my doctors and I am seeing a nutristionist for a diabetes diet. Getting a tread mill next weekend.


Last but not least I would like to give honorable mention to my only son Travis, (he has the same color hair as Willie Nelson, but he gets it from both his grandma’s Bean & LeMay) and his beautiful wife Katrina. Ya’ll know Katrina from her blog (http://mplsveg.blogspot.com/ )and her funny stories about Travis.

Travis

Trina

That’s my post for today, sorry if I was gushing with pride. I miss my kids so much it hurts. Soon, I will be home soon.

PS This eating healthy is going to take some getting used. I went to grab my CoCo Puffs for breakfast and had to tell myself, several times, NO CoCo Puffs! I made myself one scrambled egg with a small serving of ham.

A Walk In The Woods by Bill Bryson. I finished it last night. It was wonderful. It was about his walk through the Appalachian Trail with his long lost school friend. These two guys and this 2,169 mile walk was funny and very insightful. Lions, tigers and bears OH my!

Mr.Bill Bryson can tell a story with humor and wit. This line was taken from the story just to give you an idea. It was written after they had met a fellow hiker. hiking alone and latching herself to them…” I have long known that it is a part of God’s plan for me to spend a little time with each of the most stupid people on earth.” It’s his true account of his hike through the Appalachian Trail. It is loaded with facts that may scare you about mother nature and disappearing species of trees and bugs and nature it’s self. I would highly recommend this book.

The next book I bought I haven’t read yet. I got it because it was by one of my favorite authors Wally Lamb. It is titled Couldn’t Keep It To Myself. It is written with Wally’s help by women in prison from the state of CT. Local talent. I peeked at some of the stories and I’m telling ya I think this is also gonna be a great read. That’s all I have right now. Have a wonderful day everyone!

The exhaustion you feel is from the diabetes. OK, there you have it.

Before I am even dressed he’s got me an appointment immediately with my hospital to get an ultra sound. Awww Doc, I don’t want to go to my hospital. I told you before I don’t want my co-workers to see my naked ass in a Johnny. To bad, your going. OK this once but next time make it Bay State.

So I get to my hospital and the registration lady says we’ve been waiting for you. They had me already registered from work records so there was no waiting and they whisked me right through. So I get the ultra sound and the Doctor of radiology reads them and come into my room and shakes my hand and proceeds to tell me what he sees, along with ‘we take care of our own’, like I’m in a brotherhood of the hospital. He told me ” I don’t see an infection, I don’t see an abscess and I don’t see a tumor as far as the ultra sound goes. What I see is that your lympnoids are all inflamed or swollen. I can’t tell you why I don’t know.

I have another Doctor appointment Monday. I bet I am going for an MRI next.

Anyway I started the diabetes medicine today and Monday I’ll get a sticker kit to poke my finger daily to check my blood sugars.

On the way home I sinned. I bought a large Hershey’s Dark chocolate bar. I have been having a love affair with chocolate for many years and I needed to say good bye in my way. I took one chocolate square at a time and placed it on my tongue and I let it melt so slowly and the dark thick chocolate dripped down my throat. When it was done I said a final good bye. Sniff.

Thanks for sticking with me. I really love you guys! JackieSue you are the best, you may want to sound all tough and rough but I know different. Your Willie is on his way.

The Red Headed Stranger, water color, pencil, marker on cold press, 18″ by 24″

Let me start this story by saying I got today off from work. It was an unsuspected surprise. I work per diem so I make my own hours and I had scheduled myself for today but they called and cancelled me, which they can do when you work per diem

I was happy because I’ve been so tired and worn out. So I thought do what relaxes you. Creating art relaxes me. Relaxing gives me new energy. I had quit doing it and this is why.

I was in a local art supply store looking at paint brushes. A woman approached me and asked me if I was an artist. I said I like to paint and draw. I had a card with an Native American painting I had done and I showed it to her. She said that will never sell out here. People out here only want seascapes and barns. I said I’m not trying to sell my art. I usually just give it away. She then asked me if I had an artist card. She then proceeded to show me hers and it said by the state of Rhode Island University she was a professional artist. She had a master’s degree in art. I said no, I have no card. She said without a card and the art I do I would never make it as an artist. She was condescending. She made me feel like shit. I quit painting. Haven’t painted in a few weeks.

Today I was reading The Tao Of Willie and he inspired me to pick up my paint brushes again, so this is dedicated to Willie. Thanks for the inspiration.

Do you own an iPod? AWW No, the only thing I like in a pod are peas.

Who on your MySpace “Top 8″ do you talk to the most? No one.

What time is your alarm clock set for? I don’t set an alarm I have Zoe & Bruce.

What color is your room? My bedroom is a very light light green.

Flip flops or sneakers? It’s either bare foot or tenny shoes.

Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture? Take the picture.

What was the last movie you watched? Fun With Dick & Jane.

Do any of your friends have children? Yes.

Has anyone ever called you lazy? Yes, my older sister Lee.

Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep faster? Yes.

Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk? Chocolate tastes better, but I don’t buy it. I buy skim milk.

Has anyone told you a secret this week? No.

Have you ever given someone a hickey? Yes, Bruce and it was evil of me.

Who was the last person to call you? My mother-in-law.

Do you think people talk about you behind your back? I could care less or gives a rats ass.

Did you watch cartoons as a child? Yes, lots of them.

How many siblings do you have? I have five sisters and six brothers, my oldest sister died a year ago and three of my brothers have died.

Are you shy around the opposite sex? Not at all. Having 6 brothers growing up helped with that.

What movie do you know every line to? Spaceballs

What is your favorite salad dressing? Ranch & French mixed, yummy!

Do you read for fun? Is there any other reason?

Do you cry a lot? Yes, but I have cut down a lot.

Do you have a desktop computer or a laptop? We have both but I crashed the big PC last night.

Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoo? Yes.

What is the weather like? 95 and humid.

Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos? Not covered in them like Axel Rose.

Is sex before marriage wrong? No sex before marriage is the best damned sex you will ever have.

When was the last time you slept on the floor? Last summer at the cabin.

How many hours of sleep do you need to function? At least 5.

Are you in love or lust? Both.

Are your days full and fast-paced? Mostly because of my freaking job.

Do you pay attention to calories on the back of packages? only when I try to diet and that is rare.

How old will you be turning on your next birthday? 53

Are you picky about spelling and grammar? Math sucks!

Do you get along better with the same or opposite sex? Both.

Do you like cottage cheese? YUCK!

Do you sleep on your side, tummy, or back?Left side.

Have you ever bid for something on eBay? No.

Do you enjoy giving hugs? Yes I do.

What song did you last sing out loud? Neil Young’s Look at mother nature on the run in the 1970′s

What is your favorite TV show? Grey’s Anatomy.

Which celebrity, dead or alive, would like to have lunch with? Willie Nelson

Last time you had butterflies in your stomach? Today and not in a good way, a scary way.

What one thing do you wish you had? No comment.

Favorite lyrics? All of Dylan’s and Willie’s

http://lakotaspiritanimals.tripod.com/

The Butterfly Clan

Clan of air: Deer (21 May-20 June)
Crows (22 September-22 October)
Otters (20 January-18 February)

Butterfly Clan people are always active – either physically, mentally or emotionally – with fresh ideas and often unexpected ways of doing things. They are manipulative and like to transform things.

Butterfly Clan people have an affinity with air, so they will be invigorated and stimulated by being out in big open spaces and away from any kind of confinement whenever possible.


The Hawk Clan

Clan of Fire: Falcons (21 March- 19 April)
Salmon (22 July-21 August)
Owls (23 November- 21 December)

Hawk Clan people often have flashes of inspiration to spark new ideas and projects and a burning enthusiasm that is necessary to activate them. They are usually clear-sighted and energetic people.

Hawk Clan people can gather much strength from the warmth of the Sun and invigoration from being outdoors after a storm when the air has been cleaned and purified.

Whittiers Poems Vol 1 & 2.

They are inscribed with a beautiful hand written note that says,

To Mary E.
From Ellen
Merry Christmas 1865.

I hadn’t opened them in a while. I did it this afternoon. I just wanted to share this you.

Bruce may not be a poet but he is the best gift giver in the world.

The Turtle is a creature of water as well as of the land, as it swims in the water its shell looks like the land rising up out of the sea. The Turtle is characteristic of elemental Earth because of its solidity- its hard, protective shell providing warmth, comfort, and security. The Turtle may appear to be slow-moving but its persistence and tenacity get it to where it wants to go. I also get tenacity from my great Bear Spirit. Double wham of tenacity, I am going home.

Turtle Clan people are usually methodical, practical and down-to-earth. They like to have a sureness about things and the security of something solid behind them. They have determination, but make progress a step at a time.

Earth Clan people have an affinity with the Earth itself and with plants and growing things. They can find revitalization by visiting a park or woodland or some natural place with things of the Earth around them.

The animals in the Clans are the Spirit Animals of your birth. Mine is the Brown Bear. The Natives believe that a child will take on the characteristics of the animal it is born under. I do have a lot of bear traits.

Turtle Clan

Clan of Earth:

Beavers (20 April-20 May)

Brown Bears (22 August-21 September)

Geese (22 December-19 January)

Going back to bed now. If you want to know which Clan you belong to let me know and I will post it.

I would also like to dedicate this post to my friend Leo (http://rubybites.blogspot.com/) for his love of turtles.

Checks
Locked doors
no matches or lighters
no plastic bags or sharps.
Checks.

A knock,
a flashlight cutting
the dark,
a muted whisper
hanging in the air.
Checks.

A pledge;
“We promise,
cross our hearts and
hope to die.”
Checks.Plastic I.D. bracelets,
open-backed gowns,
socks with rubber treads,
preventing falls.
Checks.

See
all the pretty pastel pills;
lithium, klonopin, wellbutrin,
prozac, paxil, celexa, zyprexa, & trazadone.
Checks.Non-toxic decisions;
jig-saw or coloring book?
Turkey with gravy?
Tapioca or pie?
Checks.

Patterned lives,
and non-ticking time
measured by meals, meds
and cigarette breaks.
Checks.The center of my universe,
the heart of all matter
is a blue sofa under a sky light.
Safe, small, predictable.
Checks.

Tomorrow I leave,
I am afraid
to go where there are
no
checks.

This is a close up of a frequent flyer’s art work. Beautiful. A beautiful mind with beautiful pictures. She did this in pencil and those are fairies in the flowers.

I’ve been up for almost 36 hours, time to sleep saturday away and to start my vacation. Have a blessed and wonderful weekend.

I put all my art work on an old blog of mine.

http://njart.blogspot.com/

& Mean Green pastel on cold press

Body and Soul inspired by my oldest daughter Ricki. Water color on cold press

Winged Warriors, water color on cold press

A Mother’s Love, acrylic on canvas

The Oneness, Arylic on canvas

The Oneness by Nancy J. LeMay

My People were one people.
The earth was one earth.
Creator was the oneness…

The Center

Then men without compassion
without oneness came.

They assaulted our Mother earth,
wounded her with lines.

The rivers ran with poison,
the oceans roared with death,
the mountains where exploded,
and the wounded Mother
cried out!

My people prayed with Eagle
and to the angry sky,
and to our crying Grandmother Moon,
and to our ancestors, the disappearing stars.

They prayed to our screaming Grandfather Sun.

But Grandfather Sun gave up and died.

And so it will be…

I wish Louis the best.

I’m sitting here drinking a long neck Coors and I’m thinking about life in general. Work this week was on the bizarre side. The heroine addict was back in the crisis center. She made it two weeks on the outside. Ended up calling a code strong on her. She ended up in four points. She does it for the shot in the ass of a tranquilizer. I asked her why do you come here for help then act like a fucking ass when people try to give it to you? I know, don’t answer, for the drugs, right? She smiles, yah, any drug is better then no drugs. She then says to me…If you want to fucking hallucinate cheap, drink a bottle of, …Excuse me, no thanks. I’ll stick to my long neck Coors. Two a week.

On the other hand I worked with a true schizophrenic male who was 23 years old and the happiest person I’ve ever met. He thought all of staff could read his mind. I would ask him a question and he would smile and say you know my answer. Cute. Really cute. He has the bluest eyes and jet black hair. Truly a handsome young man. 100 percent Irish. His name is a wonderful Irish name. He smiled and laughed a lot which I didn’t mind but the other people on the unit got very annoyed by his laughter and he also talked to himself a lot. His mom and dad come every day to visit him. Very nice people. He is refusing his meds and he can’t leave the unit until he is back on his meds.

I also took care of an elderly lady who didn’t make much sense but every once in awhile something lucid would come out of her mouth. She said to me, “Love is blind, but marriage is the eye opener.”

Anyway that was my week. No one shit on me or hit me or called me the ‘c’ word so it was an OK week.

Today Bruce put in the air conditioners. Thank the universe. It was so hot and humid here I thought I was going to pass out from it. Tomorrow it’s supposed to hit 90. I have to work, really, I wanted to work because it’s a legal holiday and I get paid time and a half, then when I go into overtime on a holiday it’s double time. I want to save up to get the hell out of here and back to Minnesota where I belong.

I bought some essential oils. Going to try mixing and matching some for aroma therapy I can wear. I got sandalwood and rose and the usual dragon’s blood. No dragon’s died for the oil.

Have a wonderful weekend!

We were going to go to the ocean but decided to take the back roads through the mountains to New Hampshire & Vermont. If you’ve never been I highly recommend it before you die. I’m in such a good mood this morning that I will even offer for you to stay here with Bruce, me and Zoe. (be forewarned that if you are female Zoe will eat your shoe laces and steal your jewelry) and we will take you. That is only if you are JackieSue, Leo, Rocky, John, Stelle, Pat, Dean, APosPest , Reg, Tex, Trina, Travis, Ann with the beautiful red hair, and Clance. I hope I didn’t leave anybody out.

Next time I go into a downward spiral I’m going to head outside into the sun and wind and Creator’s country. It lifted me back up to normal, and normal for me is getting through the day with only tearing up and not all out crying. And a smile or two to.

I’m even going to paint today. I might try pastels. I never work in anything that smears…my OCD with cleanliness. Neat freak. I’m better now than I was twenty years ago, but still like clean lines and non smears.

I want to thank you all for sticking by me, even when my nose was running from crying and bitching and whining. Your the best bunch of bloggers on line. I’m not saying it will not ever happen again, of course not because I am me and that is part of me. I just came out of it a lot faster this time because of the moral support and my wonderful loving best friend, Bruce.

Oh yah, and my niece Suzy, who’s or whose (my grammar still sucks), 7 months older than me. She would always mention that when we were teenagers and met boys. “I’m seven months older then her.” Now that were over 50 she doesn’t say it anymore and I do.

Funny how life is a circle that way. hehehehe Suzy sent me the little book ‘Who Moved My Cheese’ with this current picture of her and her husband Gary. They live on ‘da range’ in Minnesota. Sooze says it’s the best book ever and she wishes everyone would read it.

It is also strange to think about my older sister Shirley pregnant at the same time as my Mom. There was nothing conventional about my family. As my niece Angie would say “we’re a bunch of wagon burners” Slang for Native American’s.

That’s it for today. As my sister Lee would say “Today is a beautiful day, go out and bike and be happy in it.” That’s next, getting my blue Trek out of the cellar and going for a ride. I love to peddle my ass. I got that going for me.

We found the best diner to eat at up in the Mountains. The worlds best homemade mac & cheese. The name of it was the Damn diner.

It was a perfect day and just what I needed.

My face and my spirit lit up 220 degrees.

Yesterday was Bruce’s birthday. He went to work to work on my car for a while. Electrical problems. Bruce knows how down I’ve been and how much I miss the motorcycle riding. Because he works for Chrysler he got to rent the convertible for hardly next to nothing. We have it till Monday.

The clouds were so beautiful yesterday. Today the sun is shining and I’m on my way to the ocean in a convertible with a very cute guy at the wheel, who I love immensely.

The wind is my breath.

I called and asked the Vet what the fuck? Seems Ms. Zoe is an alpha female cat and this is how she is making me submit to her… in her little pee brain. That is why she destroys everything of mine. She never touches Bruce’s shoes. So now I have to put my shoes in a place where she can’t get them. Bruce thinks it’s funny. I wonder how funny he will think it is when I get an alpha male cat.

]]> http://littlelakota.wordpress.com/2006/05/06/114692276648171670/feed/ 8 littlelakota http://littlelakota.wordpress.com/2006/05/03/114667031818833380/ http://littlelakota.wordpress.com/2006/05/03/114667031818833380/#comments Wed, 03 May 2006 11:12:00 +0000 littlelakota http://littlelakota.wordpress.com/2006/05/03/114667031818833380/ ]]> I think I fixed the comments box so you can comment now.

I’ve been working too much on the locked unit and it is taking it’s toll on me. I can’t say no to them because of my life with Ricki and her stays in Mental Hospitals and I know what a difference the ‘good’ staff made in her life.

I guess by ‘good’ staff, I mean people with compassion and with a knowledge of what mental illness, severe mental illness can do to a family. Some staff haven’t a clue even though they have a masters degree in it. Book smarts is different from life experience. Life experience gives you an intimate knowledge of the pain and suffering of a tortured mind. Even though I am in the throws of a deep depression it does not stop me from doing my job with these people in a very compassionate way.

I think they may even be saving my sanity. If I didn’t have work I imagine I would be in bed with the covers over my head. I just wish I wasn’t working double shifts and could get some decent sleep.

I imagine Ricki would be proud of me. I couldn’t help her but I can help people like her. She’s often with me at work in stories I have of locked units and uncaring staff. My patients love Ricki stories.

I’m working with a 36 year old heroine addict who lost custody of her two boys and haven’t seen them in 4 years. I held her last night while she cried because she couldn’t remember what they looked like or how their hair smelled. Her mom has custody and won’t even send her pictures. She wants to die. I heard her conversation with her mom on the phone and she was crying so hard and telling her mom she could not help herself, she has an illness, she’s bi-polar and her mom said some crewel things to her and hung up on her. I wish I could talk to her mom. I wish I could tell her if her daughter succeeds in killing herself the pain she will feel, and the never ending grief that will accompany her the rest of her life. I can’t. I hope she comes around and gives her daughter the support she needs, but for now she has me and the comfort I can offer her.

Ricki would be proud of me. I can hear her giggling saying “Awwww mommy I love you.” She always called me mommy.

I just want you all to know that I do get three days off in a row…Saturday, Sunday and Monday. I sleep most of Saturday and Bruce gives me the best of care. It’s just the four 16 hour days that kill me while I’m going through it.

I also want you to know even though I haven’t met a lot of you your e-mails and words of care and concern touch me deeply and carry me through. Thank you.